Things that make me laugh...

Herein, are just a few things that I just read this evening that kind of made me chuckle, or made me think about a few things, maybe they did for you as well, eh, then again, maybe not. You decide. Deride, if you will.

Part the first:
O'Grady's recent tirade.

As I normally do, I laughed at Mr. O'Grady's latest throwdown on the sport that apparently too many people take way too seriously. How do we know this, well, fast forward to the letters section on Velonews and we have this response from an irate reader of O'Grady's recent outburst:

"Editor,

I read Patrick O'Grady's on-line article, unfortunately.

Was this called for?
"The others, belonging to Janez Brajkovic, Steve Morabito and Yaroslav
Popovych, are indistinguishable from the jillions of other Madone 6.9 Pros
ridden to mid-pack finishes in industrial-park crits worldwide by
potbellied masters racers. "
Sure, we may have never been god-like pros, but describing what is probably the MAJORITY OF YOUR RACING SUBSCRIBERS as "potbellied" was inaccurate, unnecessary and demeaning. This subscriber would suggest that you choose your words a bit better.

John Strasser"
Actual link to letter section at Velonews.com.

Alright, first of all, it looks like someone touched a nerve with Mr. Strasser eh? Did someone eat too much food over the holidays and hasn't been riding since about that time and has a bike that is oh so average, but really highly extremely overpriced? Hey, nothing wrong with the Madone, as long as you don't actually have to pay for one. I'd ride one all day, if it was given to me. If I'm going to part with my hard earned greenbacks, or in the situation that I'm in now, my lack of hard earned greenbacks, sorry, it's not going to be for a Trek. I'd much rather ride the Pinarello Prince that I have now, but I digress.

Second, Strasser, seriously, get a sense of humor. Most pot bellied mid pack master's racers know what they are (it's what O'Grady has been for, well, many years now, and what I ASPIRE to be), and they apparently don't take themselves as seriously as you do. I know lots of master's racers, and guess what? Those are normally some of the coolest cats out there, mostly because the ones I know have been racing bikes since the days of toe clips and wooden bottom shoes, and didn't just discover the sport when Lance rolled around le Tour in 1999 (or later for the late bloomers).

I can picture Mr. Strasser now. Rolls up to the "Saturday Morning World Championship ride" (you know which ride I speak of, there is one in almost every town where there are, well, people who like to ride bikes), on his shiny new Madone, matching Nike shoes, matching Giro Atmos LiveStrong edition helmet, Astana kit (he's already upgraded from the old Disco kit), a $400 pair of Oakleys, embrocation on his newly shaved legs, and not a speck of dust nor dirt anywhere near his visage. As the group rolls out of town, he's yapping away about how he's been doing some zone 3 this week, and maybe a little zone 4, and that his new SRM Dura-Ace crank (he has to use this crank because they don't make a SRAM crank - yet) is giving him great power files that he can upload to his training blog so that his coach can see them, and his friends can be amazed by a ton of squiggly colored lines that only maybe about 3 people in the world really understand anyway.

As the group makes their way into the "meat" of the ride, you know, where the shit normally starts to get thrown down, he sticks in the middle of the ride for a little while. Talking less now, trying to keep the legs turning over, and talking the game gets harder when you suck, and your gut is getting in the way (I ought to know, my gut is getting in the way more and more these days). As the group approaches the section of road where the shit really goes down, all of a sudden, Mr. Madone is no longer seen. Where the hell did the annoying guy go? A few minutes later, we all know the answer.

He took the side road about a mile back so he could take a short cut, catch his breath, and intercept the ride up the road where it's a little flatter, and he can tuck in behind everyone else.

Over the flats we go, and we're grinding it out. Mr. Nike New Shoes is sitting at the back, huffing and puffing, and just barely hanging on for dear life. Ah, a stop sign. He can catch his breath again, and then more flats, same sitting at the back. Finally we reach some climbs, OK, they're not huge, but they are a little bit of a bump, and it normally separates the strong from the weak. Mr. Oakley goes shooting off the back like a caboose separated from a runaway freight train, and as he fades off the back, you hear, "Coach told me to take it easy today anyway, this is supposed to be a rest day..." Yeah, you all know THAT guy, you've seen him. You've ridden with him, thing is, he's not done yet.

After you ride over hill and dale, chasing attacks down for the workout, having fun with your friends, on the run back into town, you see him. Again, waiting, and soft pedaling up in front of the on rushing pack. Approaching the "sprint" line at the end of the ride, he gets back into the line, surprisingly fresh for someone who got dropped about 40 minutes before. The sprint starts to break loose, and I don't need to tell you what that's like on a group ride. You've got yay-hoos all the way from folks who have never raced, to folks who are local strong cat 1s and 2s and 3s trying to actually mix it up, and here comes Strasser again. He jumps into the sprint, and starts going for it. Despite himself, he's an OK sprinter, but he's not that good, in order for him to "win", he slides slightly to the left, therefore running you OFF the road, so that he can "win". Thing is, he starts turning squares 50 feet from the line, and 20 people go rushing past him anyway, and he almost killed you. All in a fine day for guys like this.

You have all had this experience, I know that you have. And there might be some of you out there who ARE this guy. If you are, stop it. Knock it the fuck off. Nobody thinks that you're cool, and really, nobody likes you. What we want to do is toss a tree branch into your spokes, and given the right chance, and opportunity, that's what we're going to do. It would be better for everyone else if you just didn't show up. Seriously, stay at home, or ride alone. Nobody. Likes. You.

Oh, and did I mention? Get a fucking sense of humor.

I was going to write about something else, but I seemed to have forgotten what that was exactly during my above tirade. Sorry about that. More later. Adios.

About group rides...

After speaking to my friend Jason the other night about this topic, and how these things sometimes brought out the worst in us (group rides), I decided to write down some thoughts on this. I think I've done this before, but with the summer heating up, and the local wanna-be hammerheads starting to show up for the group rides during the week, and on the weekend, I thought a little refresher on the etiquette of group rides was in order. Please, if you're heading out for a group ride this weekend, follow these sage words of advice, people will appreciate it.

1. Do not attack at a stop sign, or at an intersection where half of the group is left waiting for cars to go through. This not only proves that you're a toolbag, it will earn you many enemies. Aside from that, it's just a douchebag of a thing to do.

2. Do hold your line, and try not to be too sketchy. I say this because if you are sketchy, you will soon get that moniker affixed to your person, and nobody will ever want to ride around you, and this makes it tough when it is windy out there and you're trying to catch a draft.

3. Do point out things in the road that might take someone down. Little things such as gravel, or a crack, don't bother with it. Large things like say, a tree branch, you might want to point that out. Do it subtly though. Don't yell about it, or make noise, just take a hand off of the bar for a moment, point down, and be done with it.

4. Number 3 brings me to my next point. Calling out of cars. Such as, "CAR BACK!!!", or "CAR FRONT!!!", or even, "CAR ON THE SIDE!!!". Hey, yelling jackass, we know that there are cars out here. Why? It's a freakin' open road. Get a grip, and shut the fuck up. We don't need you Mr. Johnny Information yelling about cars. As with most regular riders, we just assume that there is ALWAYS a car, or cars, in back of us. It makes it safer. Aside from that, it's just annoying, so stop it.

5. Number 4 brings me to number 5 (crazy how that numbering system works isn't it). But this goes along with the yelling of things. When the whole group is coming to a stop sign, or a red light, stop yelling "SLOWING!!!". We know that we're slowing down, and hence why the speed dropped. If we know the route we're riding, we know where the stop signs and stop lights are, we don't need you Mr. Stop Sign to tell us about it. This trait is also annoying.

6. The only ONE acceptable thing to yell about when riding in a group, is the ever dangerous, "DOG LEFT!!" or "DOG RIGHT!!". This is acceptable, only because it does actually serve a purpose. Sometimes those lovable pooches out in the country side are silent killers, and if they're creeping up on a group of say, oh, 40 or so guys in spandex, and bright colors, they like to give chase. I can't tell you how much pain one can go through if taken down by a dog, but let's just leave it at the calling out of dogs, as loud as you can, is NOT annoying, and necessary for the well being of the herd.

7. Do crack jokes. Sure there are some serious assholes out there who think that the Saturday group ride is the end all, and be all of competitive cycling, but. Don't. Be. That. Guy. Be Jokey McJokester out there. People appreciate that more than the ultra serious uptight roadie prick. At least I do. And if someone tells you to shut up, put a frame pump in their spokes just to show them how serious you are. OK, kidding about the frame pump in the spokes, but it is tempting from time to time.

8. Be kind to newbies, and try to teach them the ways of the herd. You too were once someone who didn't know what the fuck they were doing, so try to coddle the newer ones out there, give them some friendly advice, and hope to hell they listen. If they don't, frame pump, in the spokes. That'll show 'em. 

9. Don't bring your TT bike out on a 50 mile group ride. There is a time and a place for a TT bike, and that's, yes, in a time trial. Another acceptable use of your shiny and aero TT bike is when you're training and riding alone, or maybe with just one other person. This is absolutely no reason at all to ride your TT bike on a group ride. If you're feeling like doing that, either don't do it, or go and do your own ride. We don't need some asshole who thinks he's Fabian Cancellara riding in his aero bars, not being able to see very well in front of themselves, taking down a bunch of people. Aside from that, if you're riding your TT bike, you MIGHT just get pegged as a tri geek, which is a fate worse than death itself. If you are a tri geek, either don't ride your aero bars, or get a regular road bike, oh, and ditch the 650 wheels, they're not faster. Oh, and one more thing, if you are a tri geek, put a shirt on, you know, one with sleeves and pockets in the rear. They're called cycling jerseys for a reason.

10. If you have a road bike with clip on aero bars, either take them off, or don't use them AT ALL on a group ride. Seriously. If I see you riding in your aero bars, I'm going to smack you in the back of your helmet for being stupid.

11. Do wear a helmet on all group rides. You never know what cat 5 wanna-be is going to show up, and take down about 40 people in one fell swoop.

12. If you don't have a helmet on, and you run into a group ride, and want to tag on, sit on the back. Don't get in the middle, don't get on the front, sit at the back. It's safer back there punching tickets.

13. Don't wear your iPod when riding in a group. Don't get me wrong. I'm a HUGE fan of riding with an iPod blasting in my ears when I'm on the bike. Alone. Don't do it when riding in a group. You look stuck up, and pretty much like a dick.

14. Don't answer your cell phone during a group ride. Yes, I have seen this. And I hate people for it. Matter of fact, if you're in a group ride, you don't need to have a cell phone with you at all, there are a bunch of other like minded individuals with you, and can take care of you should something bad happen. OK, maybe bring it with you, but keep it in the "OFF" position until it's needed for use. Exceptions can be made for say, Doctors who are on-call or some stupid silly bullshit like that.

15. If the front part of the group is riding a rotating paceline, and you don't know what one is, stay at the back with the other people who don't know how to do it. It's better that way for those of us who DO know how to ride one. Watch. Learn. And then try it out the NEXT time you're on a group ride.

16. Don't cross over the yellow line in the road. Why? There are cars coming the other way, and you'll get killed, and possibly might could get someone else killed in the process. Stay on the right side of the yellow. This is especially important when going for those all important town line, and or county line sprints. Cross over, and you deserve that Mack truck that just flattened you like a pancake.

17. If you don't know the route, either ask someone who does, or be fit enough to finish with the group. Simple as that. If you get lost, it's not the group's fault, it's yours for not being strong enough to hang.

18. If you see another cyclist on the side of the road, as you sweep by, ask him/her if they need help. If they do, stop, help them, and continue from there. Karma will be kind to you for this, and aside a fellow cyclist in need is a friend you want to make, because you don't know when you might need the same help.

19. If you are in a group ride, and have several teammates there as well, and one of said teammates gets into a "breakaway" on said group ride, and you're left back in the bunch, do not, I repeat DO NOT go to the front of the group, and block other people from riding hard. This is a common race tactic in cat 5, 4, and 3 races, and it's a fine form of douchebaggery that actually does really deserve a frame pump to the spokes. Look guys, this is a group ride, a training ride. If you've got 6 guys clogging up the front of the group, nobody gets a good training ride. This isn't a race, and even if it WAS a race, this would still not be acceptable. I have seen people who made "the break" only to get caught later yell and scream at their teammates as to WHY they weren't blocking the forward progress of others, and that they would have won if they had done their jobs. Yep, these are the same guys who don't race much, or haven't raced much in their lifetimes. You do that blocking shit in an actual race, you get a reputation really quick as a team that is good to attack over and over again until their last rider is shellacked out the back of the bunch. Just don't do it people. Don't. 

20. If you must spit, or hork a booger while riding in the group, either do it on yourself, or do it so that it doesn't get on the person behind you. For spitting, in between your arm, and your leg works great. It hits the road, and nothing else normally, well, maybe your bike, but it's your bike. Spitting off to the side, only gets into people's faces, and that makes for mad people. Same for snot rockets. If you must, and you're in a group, turn your head towards the middle of your person, and blow one on yourself. Gross? Definitely, but again, better than hitting the guy behind you. 

21. Don't attack up every little knob on the route like they were Alpe d'Huez. Nobody is impressed that you can climb really fast on a 250 meter long bump in the road.

I think that's all I have for now. Review these rules. Do you agree? Do you disagree? Do you want to add some addition rules of your own (that's what the comments section is for). You let me know, but I think these do pretty well cover it. Oh, and you're welcome.

A tale of 2 pictures...

First, the good. See picture to the side. The only thing I can think of when I see a picture like this, or this picture in particular is one thing; don't mess with The Badger. Sure, the man might be all smiles now when he is on the podium at the Tour de France these days acting as a sort of ambassador for the race and all, but I don't think I would have liked to have raced with the man when he was racing. He was mean, and brutal, and would do whatever it took to win. In other words, he was the ultimate and complete bad ass, and he was French. Hinnault was pretty much the man. I mean, he never raced Paris Roubaix before this race, and never raced it again after this race. Essentially, he decided, hey, I haven't won this race, and haven't done it, I guess I had better head out, ride it, and win it. I don't doubt, not for a second, that the man, if he had decided to, could have won it again, and possibly again, and again if he had so chosen. Instead, he won just about everything else out there. We just don't have bike racers like that too much anymore, which is a shame, as I know for myself, I'd love to see the top guys out there slugging it out throughout the season, but I also understand the whole "specialization" thing these days that basically Armstrong brought forth, but I don't have to like it. 

And now we have picture number 2. Now I know what people are going to say about this picture, that hey, at least they're out riding bikes and all. I don't care. I'm kind of a bike snob myself, and this picture just reflects everything that is wrong with large sized group rides out there on the roads of the United States, and why a lot of motorists hate cyclists. You've got 2 people on tandem bikes taking up the entire left lane of the road, not riding as far to the right as they can. You have a guy on a recumbent bike taking up the rest of the lane, plus various other riders behind blocking once again, the entire lane. Now look way back. You have a car, sort of crossing the lane, trying to get past these tool bags. Are they going to let this guy go around? Probably not. What is going to happen is that the person in the car is going to get mad after a short while of not being allowed to pass, and he's going to give the riders the horn as he moves past. The riders, in turn of course, will give the driver the finger, as if they have the right in this case to do that, and then they'll get mad because the driver speed past, even though, it's their fault that they made the driver mad for taking up, not just the entire travel lane, but the opposing lane as well (see picture again, you have people going across the yellow line, which is bad for business, very bad for business). Not only is going across the yellow line just a silly stupid thing to do, it can lead to something we like to call death. You see, it is the weekend warriors seen in this picture that make it harder for folks like myself (who often train alone on the back roads of where we live) to ride our bikes safely, and also it turns motorists into assholes against everyone who rides a bike. Drivers don't know the difference between some choads out for a group ride, and someone out training to be able to race their bike, and they don't care either. All they know is that there is another bicycle in their way. This, I think, is one of the reasons that we now have cyclists getting run over more frequently, and also we have cyclists getting run down on purpose. My whole point in this? Folks, if you're on a group ride, and you find yourself in a small group such as this, get your ass over to the right hand side of the road as far as possible, and stop impeding traffic. I know, and you know, that there are larger group rides where this isn't going to be possible because the group you might be in is going to be larger, but when you have a handful of people, play it smart out there. Get your asses over. You'll be safer, and in turn make the rest of us safer as well.

Twitchy riding...

Today, being the 4th o' July and all, and just about everyone having a day off, I decided to hang out, and go for a ride at one of the local "group" rides that are held this time of the year. I write "group" rides, because as most of you know, the group rides on days like today are more like a mob scene. Today, no different at all really. I think around about 1000 folks lined up and rolled out from Spin Cycle in Cary this morning at 8:00AM. There was a 50k route, and a 100k. I decided, at the last moment, that maybe the 100k would be OK to do. Nah, just kidding, I decided the 100k way back, I mean it is only 60 some odd miles after all. 

So the ride rolls out, and we get a police escort out of town. Nice, except for the fact that the pace car, and the cop cars rolling with us are stopping in the middle of the intersections with little to no warning that they are stopping. In other words, some movable road furniture. There were almost several crashes heading out of town. Everyone made it out alive though, no worries.

While out on the road, I've got to admit, there are some jackasses on this ride. Look people, it's a large group ride, and we're moving fairly fast. It's not a race though. When things bunch up, do not, I repeat do not go over the yellow mid line of the road, into a blind corner, going uphill, and almost get your stupid ass run over. This happened, time and time again. There is no need for it. No need at all. Why risk your damn life on a group ride. Why risk your life in a race for that matter. Look, rules of the road, stay to the right of the yellow line. You'll live longer. But then again, maybe Darwinism should be practiced, because then we'd have less stupid people out there riding with us. I won't name names, but there seemed to be a certain local team whose riders were doing this the most. Mostly because they seemed to not be able to maintain their position within the group, and decided that the only way to "get ahead" was to dash across the line and then have to dart back in when a tractor trailer truck was coming up the other side of the road, therefore endangering other people, again because the riders had to dash back into the group. Nice work jackasses. I've been to a few races, and I think the bulk of this team are all hero cat. 4's, I could be wrong, but I think that's the level they're at. Ridiculous really. But again, no names, don't want anyone feeling downtrodden by little old me.

Then, coming into town, anyone who has done this ride knows, that there are some traffic lights when rolling back into town. OK, a little lesson for those of you who don't know. If the light is red, you stop. If the light is green, you go. If there is a car in the lane in which you're in, do not go around the car at the stop light. I don't ride in Cary all of the time, or make that hardly ever, but there are a lot of people that do. And guess what? A little respect for their town goes a long way, plus it makes the motorists of Cary a lot less pissed off (I'm talking to the people who go around cars at stop lights and "swarm" the cars - idiots). You see, in a large ride like this, you should obey the laws and rules of the road when rolling back into town. Don't ignore, and run the lights. And I did see people who should know A LOT better than to do this, doing it on the way back into town. You makes us all look bad, so stop it. Then, the topper to all of this. We're about a half mile away from the finish point of the ride. I'm riding in a double paceline with, oh, 60 other people. I see someone come up on the outside of me, he cuts back hard to right, splits the difference of a couple of teammates in front of me, bounces around a little bit, almost knocks over 3-4 people, and then he sort of sprints off up the road. What were you trying to accomplish there super chief? Are you racing for the parking lot? Did you want to get to the bouncy castle first. Unbelievable. Again, this guy was from the same time riding all over the yellow line, so it didn't surprise me when this happened. I yelled at him of course, it's what I do on these things.

My griping aside though, Spin Cycle, and Capital Cycling Club held another great event this year. It was well organized, and well attended. I can't express my thanks enough to those folks for putting this on. It must have been a huge undertaking, and it was for a worthy cause, so I didn't mind tossing in my $30 bucks. Nice work folks. Everyone seemed to have a good time and there was good food, good rest stops, and a nice little post ride party back at the Hibernian. You guys did right. I hate it that people act like assholes out on the road, but what are you going to do? Rides like this attract people like that. People who don't, or can't race, but yet have some fitness and want to show everyone "what they're made of" and all. But, considering the amount of people who attended, it could have been a lot worse. I wasn't aware of any crashes that took place, or anything really bad happening. And again, Spin Cycle, Capital Cycling Club, thanks for having this, and hope to see you at it again next year.