About group rides...

After speaking to my friend Jason the other night about this topic, and how these things sometimes brought out the worst in us (group rides), I decided to write down some thoughts on this. I think I've done this before, but with the summer heating up, and the local wanna-be hammerheads starting to show up for the group rides during the week, and on the weekend, I thought a little refresher on the etiquette of group rides was in order. Please, if you're heading out for a group ride this weekend, follow these sage words of advice, people will appreciate it.

1. Do not attack at a stop sign, or at an intersection where half of the group is left waiting for cars to go through. This not only proves that you're a toolbag, it will earn you many enemies. Aside from that, it's just a douchebag of a thing to do.

2. Do hold your line, and try not to be too sketchy. I say this because if you are sketchy, you will soon get that moniker affixed to your person, and nobody will ever want to ride around you, and this makes it tough when it is windy out there and you're trying to catch a draft.

3. Do point out things in the road that might take someone down. Little things such as gravel, or a crack, don't bother with it. Large things like say, a tree branch, you might want to point that out. Do it subtly though. Don't yell about it, or make noise, just take a hand off of the bar for a moment, point down, and be done with it.

4. Number 3 brings me to my next point. Calling out of cars. Such as, "CAR BACK!!!", or "CAR FRONT!!!", or even, "CAR ON THE SIDE!!!". Hey, yelling jackass, we know that there are cars out here. Why? It's a freakin' open road. Get a grip, and shut the fuck up. We don't need you Mr. Johnny Information yelling about cars. As with most regular riders, we just assume that there is ALWAYS a car, or cars, in back of us. It makes it safer. Aside from that, it's just annoying, so stop it.

5. Number 4 brings me to number 5 (crazy how that numbering system works isn't it). But this goes along with the yelling of things. When the whole group is coming to a stop sign, or a red light, stop yelling "SLOWING!!!". We know that we're slowing down, and hence why the speed dropped. If we know the route we're riding, we know where the stop signs and stop lights are, we don't need you Mr. Stop Sign to tell us about it. This trait is also annoying.

6. The only ONE acceptable thing to yell about when riding in a group, is the ever dangerous, "DOG LEFT!!" or "DOG RIGHT!!". This is acceptable, only because it does actually serve a purpose. Sometimes those lovable pooches out in the country side are silent killers, and if they're creeping up on a group of say, oh, 40 or so guys in spandex, and bright colors, they like to give chase. I can't tell you how much pain one can go through if taken down by a dog, but let's just leave it at the calling out of dogs, as loud as you can, is NOT annoying, and necessary for the well being of the herd.

7. Do crack jokes. Sure there are some serious assholes out there who think that the Saturday group ride is the end all, and be all of competitive cycling, but. Don't. Be. That. Guy. Be Jokey McJokester out there. People appreciate that more than the ultra serious uptight roadie prick. At least I do. And if someone tells you to shut up, put a frame pump in their spokes just to show them how serious you are. OK, kidding about the frame pump in the spokes, but it is tempting from time to time.

8. Be kind to newbies, and try to teach them the ways of the herd. You too were once someone who didn't know what the fuck they were doing, so try to coddle the newer ones out there, give them some friendly advice, and hope to hell they listen. If they don't, frame pump, in the spokes. That'll show 'em. 

9. Don't bring your TT bike out on a 50 mile group ride. There is a time and a place for a TT bike, and that's, yes, in a time trial. Another acceptable use of your shiny and aero TT bike is when you're training and riding alone, or maybe with just one other person. This is absolutely no reason at all to ride your TT bike on a group ride. If you're feeling like doing that, either don't do it, or go and do your own ride. We don't need some asshole who thinks he's Fabian Cancellara riding in his aero bars, not being able to see very well in front of themselves, taking down a bunch of people. Aside from that, if you're riding your TT bike, you MIGHT just get pegged as a tri geek, which is a fate worse than death itself. If you are a tri geek, either don't ride your aero bars, or get a regular road bike, oh, and ditch the 650 wheels, they're not faster. Oh, and one more thing, if you are a tri geek, put a shirt on, you know, one with sleeves and pockets in the rear. They're called cycling jerseys for a reason.

10. If you have a road bike with clip on aero bars, either take them off, or don't use them AT ALL on a group ride. Seriously. If I see you riding in your aero bars, I'm going to smack you in the back of your helmet for being stupid.

11. Do wear a helmet on all group rides. You never know what cat 5 wanna-be is going to show up, and take down about 40 people in one fell swoop.

12. If you don't have a helmet on, and you run into a group ride, and want to tag on, sit on the back. Don't get in the middle, don't get on the front, sit at the back. It's safer back there punching tickets.

13. Don't wear your iPod when riding in a group. Don't get me wrong. I'm a HUGE fan of riding with an iPod blasting in my ears when I'm on the bike. Alone. Don't do it when riding in a group. You look stuck up, and pretty much like a dick.

14. Don't answer your cell phone during a group ride. Yes, I have seen this. And I hate people for it. Matter of fact, if you're in a group ride, you don't need to have a cell phone with you at all, there are a bunch of other like minded individuals with you, and can take care of you should something bad happen. OK, maybe bring it with you, but keep it in the "OFF" position until it's needed for use. Exceptions can be made for say, Doctors who are on-call or some stupid silly bullshit like that.

15. If the front part of the group is riding a rotating paceline, and you don't know what one is, stay at the back with the other people who don't know how to do it. It's better that way for those of us who DO know how to ride one. Watch. Learn. And then try it out the NEXT time you're on a group ride.

16. Don't cross over the yellow line in the road. Why? There are cars coming the other way, and you'll get killed, and possibly might could get someone else killed in the process. Stay on the right side of the yellow. This is especially important when going for those all important town line, and or county line sprints. Cross over, and you deserve that Mack truck that just flattened you like a pancake.

17. If you don't know the route, either ask someone who does, or be fit enough to finish with the group. Simple as that. If you get lost, it's not the group's fault, it's yours for not being strong enough to hang.

18. If you see another cyclist on the side of the road, as you sweep by, ask him/her if they need help. If they do, stop, help them, and continue from there. Karma will be kind to you for this, and aside a fellow cyclist in need is a friend you want to make, because you don't know when you might need the same help.

19. If you are in a group ride, and have several teammates there as well, and one of said teammates gets into a "breakaway" on said group ride, and you're left back in the bunch, do not, I repeat DO NOT go to the front of the group, and block other people from riding hard. This is a common race tactic in cat 5, 4, and 3 races, and it's a fine form of douchebaggery that actually does really deserve a frame pump to the spokes. Look guys, this is a group ride, a training ride. If you've got 6 guys clogging up the front of the group, nobody gets a good training ride. This isn't a race, and even if it WAS a race, this would still not be acceptable. I have seen people who made "the break" only to get caught later yell and scream at their teammates as to WHY they weren't blocking the forward progress of others, and that they would have won if they had done their jobs. Yep, these are the same guys who don't race much, or haven't raced much in their lifetimes. You do that blocking shit in an actual race, you get a reputation really quick as a team that is good to attack over and over again until their last rider is shellacked out the back of the bunch. Just don't do it people. Don't. 

20. If you must spit, or hork a booger while riding in the group, either do it on yourself, or do it so that it doesn't get on the person behind you. For spitting, in between your arm, and your leg works great. It hits the road, and nothing else normally, well, maybe your bike, but it's your bike. Spitting off to the side, only gets into people's faces, and that makes for mad people. Same for snot rockets. If you must, and you're in a group, turn your head towards the middle of your person, and blow one on yourself. Gross? Definitely, but again, better than hitting the guy behind you. 

21. Don't attack up every little knob on the route like they were Alpe d'Huez. Nobody is impressed that you can climb really fast on a 250 meter long bump in the road.

I think that's all I have for now. Review these rules. Do you agree? Do you disagree? Do you want to add some addition rules of your own (that's what the comments section is for). You let me know, but I think these do pretty well cover it. Oh, and you're welcome.